7 posts tagged “humor”

Stewey Griffin, meet your match!  Introducing Baby M!  This girl loathes sleeping. 

Wednesday night J & G were home from their dad's so we stayed up relatively late playing cards, walkie talkies, games, watching movies, etc.  So we headed for bet at 11:30pm. 

Fast forward 11:45pm and Baby M starts crying and yelling Mommy.  So I go in and she has the "Cling-On" syndrome and won't let go for anything.  I try to take her to the Daddy who is still up playing WoW.  She wants no part of him.  (sigh)... so I put her in our bed.  This in itself was a huge transition in which I thought I had won the war.  So I put her in bed with me and like a metranome she flinches every 3 seconds,  arm up, leg figit, head turn, repeat.... I look at the clock it's 1:58am.  The daddy comes in the room and comes to bed. I decide they can have the bed and I proceed to go and sleep in the comfy glider rocking chair in Baby M's room.  I put the Baby Gate up so no one falls down the stairs in the middle of the night. 

At 2:48am I hear Baby M in G's room carrying on a full conversation with herself and our dog Chloe'.  She is carrying on with, "Hello, how are you today, I'm fine Thank you."... What is your name, My name is M,   And Hello to you Chloe', you are such a good Dog.....   and then she is accompanied by the jingle jangle of Chloe's collar making noise.  G gets up and and Chloe gets up and G asks Baby M, what the heck she is doing up and how she got out of her bed.  I explain to G to go back to bed.  I tell Baby M she absolutely must go to sleep because the Mommy has to work in the morning. 

Baby M starts out crying a little and then proceeds to recite her alphabet and count while clapping her hands and plopping her leg in her bed. Then she decides to sing.  I close my eyes and pretend to sleep, I look at the clock and it is 5:45am. ohhh good lord, I should just go back and work at the hotel...

Look Baby M I know you are far smarter than any other two year old that only says "Cookie"... and you don't have any kind of Stewie accent, and thank God my name is not Lois, but the mommy needs some sleep. 

I have really taken too much time off of Blogging and must get back into it. 

For those of you needing a Friday chuckle, this should make you laugh a little. 

You see I work for an Emergency Medical Supply Company.  I work in the Collections department, hunting people down that owe money, primarily Government entities.  My co-worker who we will call Felpa, (be sure to check this tag for other funny readings.) needed some assistance looking up some information from an old computer system called FACTS.  We no longer use this dinosaur system, and Felpa has a hard time even logging into this system, let alone accessing any information that may be useful to him.  So I proceed to help him look up past invoices for his client.  I tell him I'm not finding the information he's needing and I am only being presented with the "cost-measure" pages.  He immediately responds like a hard of hearing grandpa, "What!?!  The Cotsmuncher!"..... I respond, nooo the cost measure, taking special care to enunciate each word.  

Meanwhile, our company is having a hard time with our cleaning company. When Felpa arrives to work he has found that the cleaning lady has left all of her vaccuum cleaner attachments in his cubicle.  The following day the cleaning lady leaves her feather duster in our adminstrative assistants cubicle.  We all sumised that we should build a medical kit and call it, "The Cotsmuncher"..

We have had a week of crazy customers and weirdo calls.  We had one customer call and the first question out of his mouth was, "How big is my strap?".....    "Uhhhh, gee sir, I dunno, How Big Is Your Strap?"  (hee hee, chuckle, chuckle)....        

Felpa also called a hospital to collect on a past due invoice and was greeted by their automated system and the first prompt was,   "If you have questions about a big package, press 1."

My older kiddos have had the past coupld of days off of school.  On Wednesday evening, G exclaimed at 7:45pm at night that she had homework and a lot of it.  I needed to get Baby M off to bed and help G with her homework, plus I wanted to play a game with J.  So I elected the Daddy to put Baby M to bed which is never easy on Baby M, myself, or the Daddy.  I helped G get all of her homework done and still had some time to play a quick game with J & G.  Everyone then got ready for bed and I told J & G to meet in my bed for story time.  They both asked if the Daddy had ever exited Baby M's room and I sat puzzled for a moment.  I told them I really wasn't sure.  We said our prayers and I began to read a story when all of a sudden over the baby monitor I heard a growling, snuffling, loud snoring sound.  G asked, "What in the world is that noise?"  I listened more closely and discovered the Daddy had fallen asleep while putting Baby M to bed.  Hilarious to hear him snoring so loudly over the baby monitor. 

Yes I too have been tagged by the Jibjab elf maker.  My friend Lisa is never allowed to have a family pic of us ever again... LOL just kidding!  http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/vRFoyiDpIF4uRFb5jD80

I'm so excited for spring.  I love to see all the buds on the trees and the little flowers popping up.  I was so excited to see all the flower beds at our home sprout little leaves.  I'm curious to see everything the former owner had planted.  Are they Lilys?  Are they Tulips?  Are they Daffodils?  I spy some purple crocus.  When I lost my home due to a job lay off about 5years ago.  I left a Ginko Tree and thousands of very expensive bulbs.  I'm a flower nut.  I love nature and plants and trees.  So I can't tell you how thrilled I am that the former owner of our Home was really into planting flowers and ground covers.   

Last Friday evening my daughter G had a friend over to spend the night, J had a middle school dance, and the Dog and I had Hair appointments.  Hubby took care of Baby M.  When I came home from getting my hair done, G and her little friend had my good kitchen scissors, and a roll of tape on the front porch.  When I got a closer look at what they had concocted, they had chopped all of the sprouting flowers leaves from the entire front yard.  They had taped all of the leaves to sticks to make palm trees. I gasped and tried not to cry.  Inside I was horrified... (OOOOhhh My God, my flowers).  I said,  "G, what are you up to"?  She explained they were making palm trees.  I explained that I had been patiently waiting to see what kind of flowers the pretty green leaves would turn out to be and that I was a little upset that now I won't have that opportunity.   

Her response had me flabbergasted.  She said, "Gosh Mom, I didn't know you wanted these flowers, I thought they were left overs that belonged to the lady that lived here before us."

Out of the mouths of babes... 

Prayer:  Dear God, Thank you for my very creative Daughter.  Please heal my chopped up flowers so that I might see what they could have been.  Amen.

Thinking of having kids? Here are some lessons to prepare you!

_Lesson 1_

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their corporate office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5 Read it for the last time.

_Lesson 2_

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already
are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild .

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breast
feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, teething, table manners, and
overall behavior.

Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will dare to
have all the answers.

_
Lesson 3_

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel....

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)
playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go
to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag
until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and
watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard
and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful
and together.

_Lesson 4_

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out....

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc........Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons.

Now, How does that look?

_Lesson 5_

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang
out.

Allow time for this - every morning AND evening

_Lesson 6_

1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn
it into an alligator.

2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape
and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.

3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of
Cocoa Puffs; Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower

_Lesson 7_

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. ....Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the f loor, then smash them with
your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Now it's ready.

_Lesson 8_

1. Get ready to go out.

2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour.

3. Go out the front door.

4. Come in again....Go out.

5 . Come back in.

6. Go out again.

7. Walk down the front path.

8. Walk back up.

9. Walk down it again.

10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect
along the way.

12. Retrace your steps.

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbors come out and stare at you.

14. Finally...Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

_Lesson 9_

Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.

_Lesson 10
_
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can
find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you
intend to have more than one child,then definitely take more than one goat.

1. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.

2. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

_Lesson 11_

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine month old baby.

_Lesson 12_

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Wiggles, Disney,
Teletubbies, and Dora the Explorer. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS,
the Disney Channel, Nick, or Noggin for at least five years. (I know,
you're thinking, "What's /Noggin/?).. ..Exactly my point.

_Lesson 13_

Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway
and stick your nose in it. Do this 7-10 times a day for at least two years.

You are now ready to change diapers.

_Lesson 14_

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly.

Important: no more than a four second delay between each "mommy"; an
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).

Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

_Lesson 15_

Start talking to an adult of your choice; Have someone else continually tug
on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy" tape
made from Lesson 14 above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a
child in the room.

P.S. This is all very tongue in cheek, anyone who is parent will say
"it's all worth it!" Share it with your friends, both those who do and
don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it.
Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll
need when you become a parent!!!

You know in the process of moving in December.... Christmas Cards very quickly become Valentines.  I believe I have finally unpacked the address book. Now where did I put the stamps?